[Poem] Why?

2009-05-01 @ 12:04 a.m.

why
does the chickadee long
for the blackbird long
after evolution has made their love
an impossible, unthinkable liaison
of hearts
that are not even the same size?

why
after months of having the answer
does the question still
haunt me --
forcing me, with cruel hands,
to turn the key
and lock myself again
in a labyrinth of questions?

why
having swallowed the cure
do I sit here wrapped up in myself
feeling sick, and sicker, and sicker,
til I can almost watch myself
bleed to death
through my fingertips?

why
dragon on fire
dragon on fire

why
can't I decide what to do,
reconcile
want with need with faith with love
with what is right,
right --
break this brokenness,
start again?
(or again or again and again)

why
after so long being angry
for having been controlled
by my love for you
and changed
by my love for you
do I want to drown
in my love for you?

it would almost be better to tear it out
and throw it at your feet, beating, bleeding,
a self-hating sacrifice enough
to make a feminist cry

it would almost be better,
for I could hope you'd grind it
into the ground
with the heel of your boot
and leave me with the echoes of my own scream

you never said 'no' and maybe that's why
I long for it still

(the fire)