[Poem] Kneeling Alone in Shadows

2009-03-10 @ 3:34 a.m.

i have started many poems
standing -- staring -- kneeling

in places filled with
darkness -- shadows -- spectres

pain

(you know it intimately,
this sort of poem --
the scrawl of a teenager
half-drunk with identity,
half-lucid with intent --
inevitably bad,
a twist of writing
to be crumpled)

pain

the slow pain that isn't pain
but is the dull ache
of anxiety

(a constant companion --
first names,
secret smiles,
skeletons)

after hours of
smiling -- chirping -- laughing

i sit here wondering

(what did they think
when i bounced away?)

(what does he think
what does he think)

already i've peeled back
a layer of my heart

he pulled down
a piece of his, too

it's frightening to see how
closely
they match

this is the beginning of something terrifying, certainly, maybe
beautiful -- real -- raw

all i know is it's too fresh,
and that's why i sit here
wrapped in dread

all i know is i do not deserve this

and that's why i end another poem
kneeling alone in shadows